I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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