Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
