Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
