I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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