in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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