No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There r osticjed everywhere
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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