I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize