your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
