we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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