Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
