Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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