It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
