Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
