): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
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