I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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