im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
