Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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