i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
