May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
