You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
