I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
