why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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