True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize