i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
