would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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