I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
