Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
