I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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