it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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