She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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