I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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