I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
