my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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