if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
