how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
