This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
soo... how was my night?
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