Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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