Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
