Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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