Don't you send me to vm
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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