i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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