Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
