I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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