The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
