I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
