Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
