Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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