so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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