She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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