I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
