I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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