instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
