Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
