god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize