Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
