My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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