i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
