He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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