I'm gonna have a badass scar
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
