All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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