Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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